Are You Afraid of Blood?
Here I sit, new home and new location and my heart drips blood. My arrival to this new place was not a wholly welcome one, yet, I think it was provisional at the same time. Here I hope to find more healing - some balm for my battered heart.
It isn't what you would think it would be. It was not back-alley life that brought me here. I am a hometown, church-grown, people-pleasing girl, whose aspirations were to marry, be surrounded by her children, build up a piece of land and have people lovingly flowing in and out of a welcoming home, and be rooted - grounded - deeply, with her family and fellow believers in order to be a help. I didn't know how dark that place could be. I thought I was on track for my life until things started coming apart that I couldn't control.
Only something was forgotten. You can't heal until you are healed. I found this out slowly in many dark times of my own life as one by one, things didn't go according to, what I thought was, the plan. There was this ever-springing threat to everything - we just couldn't let it show. Those sins of the past were actually still present, and were menacing. We could manage it. We knew the routine. "Christ has forgiven all of that." No, you just need to forget it and move forward - nary a problem in the world anymore, since "Christ is all in all". That is the way it is supposed to be - Christ is the Healer - but the reality was that the threat was from wound not yet healed. We believed a wound couldn't possibly still be there. The words said we were made new! The words said we were healed by Him! The only problem was that we didn't ever specifically bring the wound to Him.
The band of believers (a different sort of family) had all the trappings - a small group of Christians, together years upon years; generations even. We were ever-studying and always figuring out some way to show up in each other's lives to pat someone on the back, play, or laugh together. Only that ever-growing wound-threat still remained and now there were new sin-pains and hurts because of it and you couldn't smile when you looked at any of it. And all of us just "loved over it" - to cover multitudes of sins. Wasn't that what the words told us? And the mis-healed wound-threat festered and the pain cut deeper and deeper each passing year as the band of believers dwindled one by one.
Hours upon hours were spent trying to determine how to stem the ever-growing loss. Perhaps better outreach? Perhaps if we re-arranged the building to build camaraderie - or maybe move to a house when we met? Perhaps if when we gathered we just shared more? (But please - not about the pain or hurts - they don't bring smiling and they make you needy and you should be only a giver if you are a Christian.) But the ever-growing threat-wound pain just kept increasing. And for all the world, the trappings and the efforts we held onto were not doing one thing to heal the festering. Not one thing. Now something new was there besides the wound-pain. Tremors began rumbling underneath everyone.
Finally, as the pain left some gasping for air more than others, (who were still doing their best to love and cover) the tremors gave way. It was either acknowledge the sin-wounds or die. And so, still believing that the trappings told the truth (that we were indeed a band of believers - a family) some of the wounds began to be exposed in the hopes that healing would come. Perhaps by reopening these wounds they could be healed properly. Time after time, there were courageous pleas for confession and repentance - but they were not heeded. It was, "loved over those sins" - again. And the band was found to be tied to the trappings and not to Who brings healing.
No longer able to hold the trappings up as Truth, no longer able to continue breathing while being strangled by the pain of this now prevailing and massive gangrenous wound - earthquakes tore everything apart. The band of believers and family - now standing on opposite sides of the fault line and both, for all the world, shocked and hurting at what just happened. Some were stunned that in this band - this family - wounds could be exposed (which very much was taken as the people being exposed); some were shocked that healing didn't occur and in fact, worse had come - new wounds on both sides of the fault line.
Now there was no love for this exposing - this supposed sin. Yet the words "love over a multitude of sins" became even more vehement. But some knew where that had led. Demands for explanations and to ignore the earthquake came. But some could not ignore the earthquake though they tried with all their might to explain about the exposing and finally bring healing. To no avail.
And so - what to do? Pick up more trappings and start again? Ignore these new wounds because of what exposing even one of them did before? And where to find healing for the fresh blood oozing? The now-smaller bands on each side of the earthquake regrouped. Each trying to find life and healing. Again, tied to "all is forgiven in Christ" each tried to go on as though there were no more wounds, but now for some, it was even more clear that without exposing there could be no healing and in fact, death would come. And again, quaking started. Everything was still not as it seemed. More exposing, more blood, more earthquakes.
And then a different family was hit. My husband's. Unexpected death. Piercing, stabbing, ripples of aching pain as fresh blood loss added agony to already battered and bloody souls. Now there was no stopping the blood. We just bled. (Some people let us bleed on them and others did not. It is messy after all. Some, amazingly, didn't even know we were bleeding.) But there was no healing. Where could healing be found? Families, of all sorts, in shreds now. And then, after some months, another change. A new job, a new location. But still, the wounds continue raw and bleeding.
Yet somewhere in all of that blood, there was new life being born. A hard look at the wounds began revealing truth. There is now a strong distaste for trappings and a burning, consuming, raw need for what is real and real healing. True, all this time the words were correct, but misapplied, they did not heal - they were devastating for everyone. But they did point the Way. And the Word reminds us that this is the Way. Blood and loss and gain. Even now I am reminded that by Blood we are healed. The way I see things has begun to change.
And the blood has brought lessons - lessons I hope to share. I write because I am sure there are others out there like me. Some who have felt the cost of loving the purity of Word of God above peace. (And this from a people-pleaser! But more on that another time.) Some who are too messy to be touched or healed. I am look for the Healing that can be found along the Way. Perhaps we can find Him, who brings it, together.
She sees this too and it brings such tears to my eyes: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/when-you-feel-wounded-by-your-own/
It isn't what you would think it would be. It was not back-alley life that brought me here. I am a hometown, church-grown, people-pleasing girl, whose aspirations were to marry, be surrounded by her children, build up a piece of land and have people lovingly flowing in and out of a welcoming home, and be rooted - grounded - deeply, with her family and fellow believers in order to be a help. I didn't know how dark that place could be. I thought I was on track for my life until things started coming apart that I couldn't control.
I grew up in a family desperately clinging to God's words to change the sins of the past. A homegrown congregation that my parents were dedicated to nurturing, even when it cost them more than they wanted to give. And family was everything. Family was the theme of what would make things better. So we clung to the hope that beautiful things would rise out of the sins of the past by clinging to each other.
Only something was forgotten. You can't heal until you are healed. I found this out slowly in many dark times of my own life as one by one, things didn't go according to, what I thought was, the plan. There was this ever-springing threat to everything - we just couldn't let it show. Those sins of the past were actually still present, and were menacing. We could manage it. We knew the routine. "Christ has forgiven all of that." No, you just need to forget it and move forward - nary a problem in the world anymore, since "Christ is all in all". That is the way it is supposed to be - Christ is the Healer - but the reality was that the threat was from wound not yet healed. We believed a wound couldn't possibly still be there. The words said we were made new! The words said we were healed by Him! The only problem was that we didn't ever specifically bring the wound to Him.
The band of believers (a different sort of family) had all the trappings - a small group of Christians, together years upon years; generations even. We were ever-studying and always figuring out some way to show up in each other's lives to pat someone on the back, play, or laugh together. Only that ever-growing wound-threat still remained and now there were new sin-pains and hurts because of it and you couldn't smile when you looked at any of it. And all of us just "loved over it" - to cover multitudes of sins. Wasn't that what the words told us? And the mis-healed wound-threat festered and the pain cut deeper and deeper each passing year as the band of believers dwindled one by one.
Hours upon hours were spent trying to determine how to stem the ever-growing loss. Perhaps better outreach? Perhaps if we re-arranged the building to build camaraderie - or maybe move to a house when we met? Perhaps if when we gathered we just shared more? (But please - not about the pain or hurts - they don't bring smiling and they make you needy and you should be only a giver if you are a Christian.) But the ever-growing threat-wound pain just kept increasing. And for all the world, the trappings and the efforts we held onto were not doing one thing to heal the festering. Not one thing. Now something new was there besides the wound-pain. Tremors began rumbling underneath everyone.
Finally, as the pain left some gasping for air more than others, (who were still doing their best to love and cover) the tremors gave way. It was either acknowledge the sin-wounds or die. And so, still believing that the trappings told the truth (that we were indeed a band of believers - a family) some of the wounds began to be exposed in the hopes that healing would come. Perhaps by reopening these wounds they could be healed properly. Time after time, there were courageous pleas for confession and repentance - but they were not heeded. It was, "loved over those sins" - again. And the band was found to be tied to the trappings and not to Who brings healing.
No longer able to hold the trappings up as Truth, no longer able to continue breathing while being strangled by the pain of this now prevailing and massive gangrenous wound - earthquakes tore everything apart. The band of believers and family - now standing on opposite sides of the fault line and both, for all the world, shocked and hurting at what just happened. Some were stunned that in this band - this family - wounds could be exposed (which very much was taken as the people being exposed); some were shocked that healing didn't occur and in fact, worse had come - new wounds on both sides of the fault line.
Now there was no love for this exposing - this supposed sin. Yet the words "love over a multitude of sins" became even more vehement. But some knew where that had led. Demands for explanations and to ignore the earthquake came. But some could not ignore the earthquake though they tried with all their might to explain about the exposing and finally bring healing. To no avail.
And so - what to do? Pick up more trappings and start again? Ignore these new wounds because of what exposing even one of them did before? And where to find healing for the fresh blood oozing? The now-smaller bands on each side of the earthquake regrouped. Each trying to find life and healing. Again, tied to "all is forgiven in Christ" each tried to go on as though there were no more wounds, but now for some, it was even more clear that without exposing there could be no healing and in fact, death would come. And again, quaking started. Everything was still not as it seemed. More exposing, more blood, more earthquakes.
And then a different family was hit. My husband's. Unexpected death. Piercing, stabbing, ripples of aching pain as fresh blood loss added agony to already battered and bloody souls. Now there was no stopping the blood. We just bled. (Some people let us bleed on them and others did not. It is messy after all. Some, amazingly, didn't even know we were bleeding.) But there was no healing. Where could healing be found? Families, of all sorts, in shreds now. And then, after some months, another change. A new job, a new location. But still, the wounds continue raw and bleeding.
Yet somewhere in all of that blood, there was new life being born. A hard look at the wounds began revealing truth. There is now a strong distaste for trappings and a burning, consuming, raw need for what is real and real healing. True, all this time the words were correct, but misapplied, they did not heal - they were devastating for everyone. But they did point the Way. And the Word reminds us that this is the Way. Blood and loss and gain. Even now I am reminded that by Blood we are healed. The way I see things has begun to change.
And the blood has brought lessons - lessons I hope to share. I write because I am sure there are others out there like me. Some who have felt the cost of loving the purity of Word of God above peace. (And this from a people-pleaser! But more on that another time.) Some who are too messy to be touched or healed. I am look for the Healing that can be found along the Way. Perhaps we can find Him, who brings it, together.
She sees this too and it brings such tears to my eyes: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/when-you-feel-wounded-by-your-own/
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