Wilderness And Solitude Is Not Without Purpose

We do have a dependence on noise in this North American culture I've grown up in. We have high expectations for our lives and therefore, we work hard generating the noise of lofty ideas and “making things happen” - all too often with long to-do lists. We can get stuck in either one – illusion or relentless labor. But getting caught in one of these, we find ourselves lonely and also find a draw to be part of something greater. This too, is another snare – trying to belong.

Brene` Brown in her book, “Braving the Wilderness” speaks to this. She says,

 “Speaking against power structures that keep some inside and others outside has a cost, and the currency most often drafted from my account is belonging. Consequently, the wilderness feels very lonely and punishing which is a powerful disincentive.”

This is where I found myself. Particularly, in my situation, I had spoke against longstanding and unchallenged traditions and beliefs, which also encompassed the church structure I found myself in. I found that in order to do this – I ended up without the group. I now found myself an outsider.

The blessing of this time though, has been double. One of them is what Brene` also mentions in that same book. She says, 

“Once we've found the courage to stand alone, to say what we feel is right despite the criticism and fear, we may leave the wilderness, but the wild has marked our hearts. That doesn't mean the wilderness is no longer difficult, it means once we've braved it on our own, we will be painfully aware of our choices moving forward. We can spend our entire life betraying ourself and choosing fitting in over standing alone. But once we've stood up for ourself and our beliefs, the bar is higher...”

I have found that I can act in courage. I have found that I can stand alone. I have also become more acquainted with myself as an individual instead of one of many. I have better understood, on a lesser scale, the importance of solitude.

These days solitude seems to be a bane of existence. Unless of course, you are one who finds energy in being in quiet and alone. I happen to have both. I feel connected and whole with a group of people with whom I have a part and place. But I also invest a lot of energy in people and can leave feeling depleted. Quiet/solitude gives me time to be demand-free. I collect myself back together by processing through thought and emotion of my interactions with others and by focusing on what I need to learn and change. I spend time being creative in my own unjudged way and find my spirits lifted. I may even clean my physical environment and feel lighter; less burdened with the weight of “to-do.”

I am not a minimalist, but I am moving in that direction. I find that as I grow older I do not have the energy to spend so easily. I simply cannot please everyone anymore because I don't have the energy to keep all the balls going. I am trying to cut down in all things that take energy, in order to give the best of myself meaningfully, instead of just a piece of myself to little avail. This also affects what I spend my solitude time on – do I work on my to-do list, a bunch of hobbies, organize and streamline... or do I whittle my life down to less to-do's, prioritize my solitude for those endevours which restore, and leave the small amount that is left for the other times apart from solitude? Do I treat solitude with respect?

Anne talks about this in her wheel and spoke analogy in “Moon Shell” as well. She says, “This is the end toward which we could strive – to be the still axis within the revolving wheel of relationships, obligations, and activities.” In the previous chapter she mentions, “The problems is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence. It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life, how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.”

This wheel analogy is not a new one. I have found during this time of personal wilderness, that this pictoral way of thinking is an ancient one. It is one that Christians in Medieval times also understood more readily than we do. They built their cities and their churches very literally around the idea that the center, of which everything is encompassed around, is very important. In the church building, the inner-sanctum was most important, and, outside the building the city was built around the church.

In the center of a wheel we see the stillness of the axis, not the busy-ness of the spokes. Anne helps us see this when she says, “The problem is more how to still the soul in the midst of its activities. In fact, the problem is how to feed the soul.” The stillness of the axis is remaining centered, rather than pulled. It is from “the soul being fed”. She wants us to see that solitude is for achieving this state.

As I was thinking on this I came, with astonishment, to this passage in Mark 6:31, 

“And He said to them, [apostles] “Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest awhile.” (For there were many people coming and going and they did not even have time to eat.)” 

(italics for my own emphasis) Even here, with the apostles, Jesus realized they were too much with people and needed replenishing. Where did He take them for that? To a lonely place.

Anne notes, “She must consciously encourage those pursuits which oppose the centrifugal forces of today. Quiet time alone, contemplation, prayer, music, a centering line of thought or reading, of study or work. It can be physical or intellectual or artistic, any creative life proceeding from oneself. It need not be an enormous project of a great work.” And later, “Nothing feeds the center so much as creative work.” And, “What matters is that one be for a time inwardly attentive.”

These are some of the ways of how to be restored /centered in solitude. These ideas now, are less physical as in Medieval times, and more what we would now term as psychological or what I think Christians used to understand “spiritual” to mean. I believe that, largely, these concepts have lost their meaning. We use many of these terms blankly; nodding as if we all understand the application of the very words we all frequently use in Christianity. Do we know what it means to contemplate? Do we know what prayer is?

I think that these days we see this acted out in reverse. The less we are able to find this creative solitude, the less meaningful work we have to do, the more we use our technology to find it – and thus, a bunch of creative games, which do not encourage inward attention. Creativity without substance – sometimes literally without substance, in a virtual world. But we do not live in virtuality or fantasy, we live in reality. We must bring our creative, restorative pursuits to those things which make us inwardly attentive.

Inwardly attentive to what? To our self, of all things! It is the only thing we truly can control and keep still, and yet – how little we do!

But isn't that self-ish you say? Narcissistic?

Ah yes, more terms which are used excessively these days. What if I were to say - you have two selves? Focusing on the one self will make you selfish, focusing on the other will make you into your best self.

More on this another time, my friend.