Alone and Yet...

In deciding where I should start to break things open, I have settled on using several posts to springboard off from some topics in a book written by Anne Morrow Lindbergh called, "A Gift From The Sea." In this book she talks about many of the topics I also want to address, particularly in one chapter named, "Moon Shell."

God knows what we need. He knows what I need. He knows when we are depleted. He knows when we need a special time for renewing. He knows when we have been distracted from Him, sometimes even needing healing from wounds we received. In those times, He is near and He calls us to Himself, sometimes without others. It is not because there isn't a need for anyone else. But in this time, it can feel incapacitating without that to which you've grown accustomed.  Indeed, it can feel like an amputation to be cut off from others, as Anne states,

"Parting is inevitably painful, even for a short time. It is like an amputation, I feel. A limb being torn off, without which I shall be unable to function."  

I find that this is the exact circumstance I find myself in even now. Painfully amputated from others, particularly the now scattered spiritual family I had so long been part of, I continue to find myself in a time of solitude. Specifically, I am in a time without a spiritual community, (I am not actually ALONE. I am in company with my husband and children daily, but I am alone without community.) Still, I do not feel this is a time without purpose or direction, though initially, I wasn't sure how to function.

There was plenty of bombardment with doubts such as,

-panic for my"salvation". Unsaid but implied by doctrine that I am now a heretic, fallen-away, or a prodigal, to God?

-the reminder over and over not to "forsake the assembly" as though it is the foremost command?

Anne Lindbergh says this about our state,

"The world today does not understand, in either man or woman, the need to be alone. .. Actually these are among the most important times in one's life - when one is alone. Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone."

I know I didn't understand this. I think we as Christians are absolutely terrified of being alone. God knows that about us too - that's why we have congregations! But I think we make it TOO important. Maybe even make it at the level of God without realizing it. I think I have.

A.W. Tozer speaks of this in his book, "Reclaiming Christianity". He says, "Sadly, in some churches, God is no longer necessary. Some churches claim to believe in God but by way of doctrine have it so arranged at their church that God is not necessary to them..." I have heard of the purpose of the gatherings reduced to the statement that they are simply "creed rehearsal". The gatherings have become so important they have ruled the need for a living and active God out. All they need is right doctrine. Perhaps I am not being pulled away from God Himself, but something that has been elevated to His level?

Christians tend to think of solitude as a good, daily discipline or a few hour thing. But, when all seems broken and lost, sometimes, I think, God is bringing us to a much longer solitude - that of the wilderness - so that we might know Him more than anything else. It stretch of time that is described in Hosea 2:14, "I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her." Why does He do this? Verse 5 says, "Because she said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water..." I know I have done this. I have worshiped the "created rather than the Creator". People became TOO important. "Family [people] will save us," is what I unknowingly believed. That is making an idol! Just as the book of Hosea was trying to point out; idols are like adultery in relationship to God.

Even with the Israelites, God brought them to the wilderness, so that they might learn to rely on Him.

Dan Allender, in his book, "The Healing Path" also touches on the idea of  wilderness/desert. He wrote, "The healing path must pass through the desert or else our healing will be the product of our own will and wisdom. It is in the silence of the desert that we hear our dependence on noise. It is in the poverty of the desert that we see clearly our attachments to the trinkets and baubles we cling to for security and pleasure. The desert shatters the soul's arrogance and leaves body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert, we trust God or we die."


Being in the wilderness can be part of the path! In order that we return to Him, hear and know His voice, and not the noise of the things and people we have grown accustomed to surrounding ourselves with, and perhaps even, making too important.


This aloneness could be a time of bitterness - polluting the waters I may have to share (like the waters of Marah). It is a time when I could give in to the tempter, and do things that fill the desires I have the easy way, like he came to have Jesus do in the wilderness. Or, instead it can be changed to a time of sweetness as I take the time to refill (from the "tree" that "purifies bitter water") and in fact, grow.  Like a wilderness time, it can be a trial, but also an important preparation. It increases my hunger for true relationships - with my Lord and with others. The point is not to shy away from all relationships because of the pain, but learn. To recenter myself and remain open, willing, at any time to repair and heal that which was torn, but also to learn and grow, so as to not continue in the same mistakes I made previously. I do not wish to run headlong back to community without taking the time to learn and grow.

Again, Anne notes,

"It is as if in parting one did actually lose an arm. And then, like the star-fish, one grows it anew; one is whole again, complete and round - more whole, even than before, when the other people had pieces of one."

This is a chance for me to grow in seeking some answers and growing toward the Source of that inner-spring of thirst-quenching water. It is not easy, as even in solitude in these spiritual relationships, my outer-life continues with its demands. It is important that I use this time wisely, taking the time to refresh so that I can indeed, share here or with whomever the Lord places in my path on this journey.